“What if they don’t like me? What if I can’t find a bathroom in time? Am I going say something to embarrass myself? What if they get mad at me or don’t think I know what I’m talking about? Am I a fake or a bad person? Did I close the garage door?”
“What if” or “Worrisome” thoughts can run through your brain like a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour. These made-up stories or scenarios about negative possibilities that rarely happen play in your head like multiple movie reels creating a feeling of apprehension, trouble, and unease about a possible event. Worrying about possible future scenarios can destroy the present, work life, friendships, and relationships. Experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations that interfere with daily activities, are difficult to control, and are out of proportion to the actual reality. This can have a major impact on your life to make you avoid situations to prevent these feelings. If you all have looked deeper into my website and read “Joshua’s Story”, you can see that me, my wife and family suffered a major life tragedy with the loss of my son, Joshua. There is nothing more tragic and emotionally taxing in life than losing your child. NOTHING! I am in the midst of an intense grief journey and it fucking sucks! I miss my little boy every single day. This is not supposed to happen. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children. The heaviness in my heart that my wife and I carry every day is intense, and for me, that has brought different thoughts, worries and anxieties. Now I want to be clear in this post, I AM NOT a mental health expert, and in NO WAY am trying to be one. I am more taking you through my journey thus far and what I am learning about myself. If anyone finds benefit from it, great! If you think it is a bunch of horse manure, great too, we all have our own journey and would love to hear about it.
I have been working with a psychologist during this grief, and am starting to learn what is making me who I am. Now, the loss of my son started this interaction, but what I am learning is that I wish I started this a long time ago. For those who are thinking about talking to a mental health expert, I would recommend to find a match with someone who works for you. The first person who I met with and had initial sessions was nice, but I didn’t seem to click with. It wasn’t until my meeting with whom I saw, that I knew would be the most beneficial to me and help me get the most out of myself. So do not feel like you are stuck, find the person who is the best fit for you.
Things that I am learning about myself, and honestly, I probably knew were there, but just kept it inside, is that I always had worries and anxiety going on that would affect parts of my life. I am a pretty introverted person and like to keep thoughts and emotions to myself, which is fine, but I do play scenarios in my head that can make me feel miserable over things that haven’t even happened or likely were not going to happen. Now don’t get me wrong, I like people, and when I am comfortable around people and surroundings, I can be very outgoing. However, I have been “listening to myself listen” lately, and thus finding it hard to separate beliefs from facts. I can let different stresses manifest, and my mind/body amplifies these stressors. I know this can be hard for people that I love and love me. When I get in my own way, I tend to shut off more and want to keep everything bottle up. I get more defensive and shut down when people try to ask me if I’m ok or want me to talk about it, then I get angry and tend to isolate in my own thoughts more because I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to be left the hell alone.
When my son, Joshua, was first diagnosed with epilepsy when he was one, the increase in worry, thoughts, and questions in my head created more highways. I was so angry with the world, so many different emotions as to why my son had to have something wrong with him. Why was he, and why were we, going through this? This is not what I envisioned parenthood to be. I started a faster trajectory of shutting off friends and family. Don’t get me wrong, my son Joshua was the sweetest, most loving, caring, smiling, most adorable child there was. I loved and will continue to love him more than anything in the world. It took me a long time to come to terms with his condition and what we had to go through every day. However, my brave little boy did it with the most infectious smile on his face and love in his heart. Then COVID hit, and the world started to isolate from each other. Now I had a built-in excuse to isolate more. As the world and people started to come out and interact more, I got comfortable in my own bubble and stayed in like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t lock myself in the house, I still had a job, a child, responsibilities, still saw people and hung out, but the motivation to reach out or get together with others wasn’t as strong. I didn’t make the effort to reach out as much to friends or family. I know this put a strain on my relationships. Then the unthinkable happened, and my precious son passed away unexpectedly. How the fuck did all of this happen! To say that those first couple months I was a mess would be an understatement. I was in a dark place. The more people wanted and tried to make me feel better, the worse I got and the angrier I got. “Don’t try and make me feel good, I just lost my son, leave me the fuck alone.” I needed and still need help! Little did I realize, I needed to be the one to help myself.
Now for me, exercise and athletics were always my stress relief, my emotional outlet. When I was younger and playing competitive soccer, I was a different person on the field. I was aggressive, talkative, competitive, wanting to do anything it took to win. I was usually the captain of the team, was the MVP of our high school team. I didn’t have a care in the world on the field or during practice, I could just react and be. In college, running started to take over that emotional outlet. Initially, I got into it purely for exercise, but found how much clarity I had mentally and how good it made me feel. Running turned into that outlet. When running was lost after I ruptured my Achilles, I did everything I could to rehab to get back to it. After my son was born and was first diagnosed with epilepsy, I still found time to exercise, which made me feel better, but I was not as consistent with running. Like most people during the pandemic, we invested in the Peloton bike. I absolutely loved that and still love it to this day. What a great community they have built! However, again I was mostly inside at home working out. We also had a treadmill (which is great during the cold Seattle winters), but again inside. My wife and I really started to get back outdoors and train for runs in the early part of 2023. I found myself finding a piece of myself again on the road. Then, with my son’s passing, I never gave up on runs, as it was the only thing to mediate the pain I felt on a daily basis. But I needed more, and that’s when reaching out to talk to a professional, in addition to regular running, is what has been helping me. A big reason in starting this website/blog and Instagram posts, besides helping runners with their injuries, is to be an expressive outlet. I am not the best at verbally expressing how I feel and am much more comfortable typing it out. Write the highway of stuff in my head on paper. I think if family or friends read my posts on a regular basis, they will learn more about me through this than having me verbally express what I am feeling, which I don’t like to do.
What I am realizing, through therapy, is that it is on me to better myself. I am trying to work through the highway of mumbo jumbo in my head and separate the fact vs what I perceive to be belief. I am trying to learn to be more in the moment then dwell or over analyze what hasn’t happened yet or did happen. I know the more I tend to worry about what hasn’t happened, the worse I feel. I need to control the narrative. Worrying about the future and/or past can destroy the present and present relationships. A helpful trick, when I have made up scenarios in my head, is to tell them to myself in the mirror. I may be able to lie to others about these beliefs, but I can’t lie to myself. My therapist directed me to a great Bob Newhart skit called “STOP IT!” The premise is that Bob Newhart is a therapist, and his patient is looking for his help. He says he has 5 minutes to help. She is telling him all the stuff she is afraid might happen and he comes back telling her to “Stop It!” It is really funny and geez, can’t we just tell our mind to Stop It with all the crap it lets us think! Another great reference is the “Fuck That: An Honest Meditation” on YouTube. Funny, but another great perception on blocking out all the BS that life tries to throw at you to bring you down. As long as you don’t mind a little profanity, and clearly I don’t, it is a great message!
I am also learning that it’s ok to be selfish, but not self-centered. I need to take care of me first to better my other relationships, and no one else can do it for me no matter how hard they try. I can try to think of each day like a battery life, use the battery for essential life functions; work, exercise, eat, take care of self and family. Stressors or made-up worries are just going to drain that battery faster, shut me down, and make me feel miserable. Think of the porta potty line before a race. Why are there crazy lines to use them? Sure some of it is the caffeine people consume before a run, but I’m sure the anxiousness of the race is causing the gastrointestinal system to go into over drive! (Pro Tip: bring extra toilet paper with you to use on race day. The stalls do run out fast).
Now, I have a lot of work to do on me. I am a novice in this journey. The grief of the passing of my son is always going to be there. I am going to continue to love and miss him every single day till the last breath I take. But I know this world and life are not going to stop for me. I need to change and adapt to my new life. How is it going to go? I haven’t the slightest clue. I am hoping not to worry about it and live in the present. It will not be easy, but running will be a staple in my journey. The benefits of running cannot be overlooked. If this is why you run, you are most definitely not alone. If sharing your story and journey makes you feel better, I would love to hear and learn what others are going through or what they have gone through without judgment. We are in control of our own being, so let’s take ownership of that!